How do we get free from the pain we carry from injuries inflicted on us by people close to us? This painful and pressing question comes up frequently when I am providing pastoral care. Emotional, spiritual, and moral injuries cry out. They will not remain still. They beg to be addressed.
In the face of the painful insistence of these injuries we often provide false answers to ourselves in an attempt to get free. The instinct is correct. We want to get free of the pain. False answers, however, increase the pain and leave us with a diminished life. Examples include blaming ourselves, taking too much responsibility, pretending it was not so bad, excusing the abuser, and so on.
What we really need - what our emotional pain is calling out for - is a reckoning and an apology from the person who harmed us. Eve Ensler makes this observation in her amazing new book, The Apology. Ensler is a playwright, author, humanitarian, and a survivor of vicious childhood abuse by her father. Using her creative gifts she conjures up her dead father as the narrator of the book and uses her imagination to lead him into the reckoning and apology he owes her.
Ensler starts with the question, “What do I need to be free?” From that starting point she discovered her process. An apology from her abuser would need to have the following characteristics to aide her healing:
First, her father would need to be humble and approach her as an equal and not from above. Second, her father would need to be vulnerable, emotionally available to understanding the harm done, and ready to hear what he has done. Third, her father would need to be empathetic, ready to understand and feel the sadistic harm he inflicted from the perspective of his daughter, and what she experienced at the time. Fourth, the father would need to forsake the self-excusing amnesia of the victimizer and be ready to reconstruct the hidden, shameful history for what it is, listening to the voice of the victim especially. Fifth, her father would need to be accountable, willing to take responsibility for harm done and, most importantly, willing to become reflective enough to begin his own healing journey into his own personal damage.
The good news is that the author was able to walk this path to freedom in a conversation with a father who has been dead for many years. In her imagination she was able to dream a new reality that crossed boundaries and opened up new possibilities for empathy and healing. I would call this a form of therapeutic prayer.
We can be set free from harms that oppress us. I highly recommend this book as an aide and guide to your healing. I will plan to offer a Reading with the Rector during 2019 - 2020 on this book.
Blessings,
The Rev. Jarrett Kerbel
Rector
