It has been getting harder in the last year or so to feel connected to my faith. I've continued going to church, participating in choir and church activities, keeping up on and off with devotionals, but something has felt off.
It all came to a head recently as my church is embarking upon a visitation tour to go and speak to people about their spiritual selves and what if anything they need from the church at this time to help them discern God's call in their lives. We're hoping just to meet people and get them even thinking more specifically about God's call. As a leader in my church, I'm part of the team planning to make these visits. We held a training session which involved the role play of visitor/visitee. I volunteered to be the visitee.
I don't recall the exact question that my fellow members asked me, but I do recall what came out as my answer. "I feel like my own spiritual journey is entirely tied up right now in making sure that my son's will be provided for - or that I'm doing the right things to get him on that path."
For a little context, this was unexpected for me. I didn't do the typical "fall away from the church until you have kids" thing that we see so often these days. And I don't think that's a bad or unhealthy thing to do - it just wasn't my journey. I was very involved in my church growing up. Attending worship, singing with the choir, youth group, church school teacher for the preschoolers when I was in high school, I even attended church summer camp. After high school graduation I did a slight "fall away" by not seeking out a regular Sunday service during college. However, I went to church when I came home on holidays. I took 2 or 3 religion classes that kept me connected; I talked with my boyfriend (now husband) about all the interesting things he was learning at his own Disciple Bible Study, and I longed to go on the mission trips he got involved with at his home church. When I graduated, he and I moved in together in South Philly and one of the first things we did was go and find a church. Suddenly, I was fully involved again and have been since.
So, to now find my own faith journey stalled by what I need for my children - I just didn't expect it. I knew it was important to me, but I didn't realize how disconnected from my own path it had made me. And as soon as I spoke those words in the meeting it occurred to me that I was maybe looking at it the wrong way. I wanted to give my son (and my 2nd on the way) something that I did not have myself. I expected the church to create for my child what I didn't feel capable of providing on my own. It dawned on me that, like so many other things in parenting, perhaps my best route to teaching something to my son was to model it myself and have my life be the lesson.
It seemed so simple to identify in that moment, but I admit I am still unsure how to move forward. I still feel stalled. There are still so many challenges to parenting, especially right now when my first is so young and impressionable and with another on the way. I want them to know God's love, and feel it clearly in our church home. I want them to be welcome in worship while they figure out appropriate behavior there and not only once they have figured it out. I want them to know the words to the Lord's Prayer the way preschool has taught my son the words to the Pledge of Allegiance - that learning the words and repeating them may let their meaning seep into their bones the way they have mine. I want to not be the only one trying to teach them these things. I want to surround him with a community that takes its baptismal vows seriously to help raise up and teach every member in God's way. And, I don't want to force it in a way that will only cause push back.
Mostly though, I want help with my own journey so that I can be strong for my children and others. I want advice on how to integrate more of Sunday into everyday in a way that is meaningful enough for me that something is obvious to my children. People to share my struggles, questions, hopes, excitement, and thirst for justice with. I want for the faith to trust that it will all be all right. I need it for me so that I can live it for them, that by my living, they too will be drawn to life in faith.
Have you ever felt this way? What ways have you found to fill this need? Or, are you too still searching yourself?
- Natalee Hill
