So, my child is an atheist…Now what?

Rev. Jarrett Kerbel

So, your child has declared that they are an atheist. What do you do? Before you begin, remember the first words of the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, “Don’t panic!” Why not panic? For many reasons including; 1. The happy news that your child is thinking about such matters in the first place, 2. The fact that you are not the first or only parent to experience this challenge, and, 3. The opportunity to engage your child in an ongoing conversation.

What I most often say in these conversations is simple, “I don’t believe in that god either.” The god our children reject is often a god worth rejecting. Like garbage in a sandbox, our kids pick up notions of god that have nothing to do with the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Secular culture and the culturally dominant strands of Christianity communicate a dominating, controlling, puppeteer God who is cruel, judgmental, and capricious.

The first step is to ask for their objections, take those objections seriously, and share how you respond to such challenges in your faith. In my household we allowed for atheism as long as it was not ignorant atheism. My kids were required to put in the effort and engage the subject. I would always say, “I will respect your position when you can keep up with me in a discussion.”

For example, I will ask my children: “Where did you get that idea about God?” “Does God have to be that way?” Then I will share that I have struggled with these objections too and here is where I came out. My child would ask, “Why does God allow suffering?” Excellent question is the immediate answer. Then you might say, “How might you design a different world? What would that be like?” The most important follow up question is this, “Are any of those forms of suffering more powerful than love?” And then, “What if God wants that world you designed too?”

We believe in a God who took the place of the victims of this world, the position of the most powerless, and felt the suffering of oppression, rejection, torture, and execution. Our God does not stand aloof from suffering but tries to remedy it from the inside through always faithful, never failing, unbreakable love. Our God cries out against the unjust suffering and pain of human self-destruction because our God feels it too. Our God does not impose this suffering. God gave us a good creation that a long history of abuse has made toxic and harmful to human flourishing. Our God has even experienced death and turned it into a pathway for renewed life. Everything we experience as an enemy of life our God has redeemed.

That is a long answer and not totally appropriate for kids. However, it is very important that parents and grandparents show the example of educating their faith if they wish to guide their children. Which leads to a crucial point; you are the adult and you are smarter than your child. You have more life experience. You can absorb their rejection of things you hold dear if you remember that you are helping this child mature and they have a long way to go.

It only feels like rejection of you because it is. Our kids need to reject us and betray us to get the separation necessary for individuation. Trust that they will come back and lay the seeds of that return by engaging them in a gentle, open spirit now. Faith is a gift from God. We cannot control its transmission, but we can give our children the formation they need to know the true God - and avoid the false gods - when the time is right.

Blessings,
The Rev. Jarrett Kerbel
Rector

Kairos: Christian Formation for Children & Youth - Fall 2018 updates

Dear Parents,

Kairos, St. Martin's faith formation program for children and youth, starts up this month. Here's what's new, how to register and what to expect.

New Time: 9:15 on Sunday mornings

Formation Hour, including our classes for children in grades 1 to 8, will begin Sunday, September 23, from 9:15 to 10:15 a.m. That's the hour between the 8 a.m. service and the new 10:30 a.m. service. (Learn more about the new worship schedule here.)

Kairos programs are free, but registration is required. Please sign up by Wednesday, September 19, so we can plan for class sizes.

An hour for everyone -- including parents

• For kids in grades 1-8: Three Kairos classes offer fun, interactive learning that engage children in the faith -- elementary (grades 1-4), middle-school (grades 5-6), and Jr. High (grades 7-8.)
• For adults and high school youth: During that same hour, Parish Forum in the Parish Hall features local and national presenters who engage faith in action on a more mature level. Parenting in Faith, a forum for parents to talk about faith in the family, will be held monthly in the Mary Chapel, also during the 9:15 hour.
• For preschoolers and their families: worship.together, a full-Eucharist for families of young children, will continue every Sunday in the church at 9:15 a.m., followed by a reception in the Houston Room.

High School youth meet twice a month, starting Oct. 14 

Our pastor, the Rev. Jarrett Kerbel, will be anchoring youth ministry for our high school-aged students (youth in grades 9-12). The first meeting, Sunday, October 14 at noon, will invite teens to vision and plan the year over lunch with Rev. Jarrett in the library. The group is scheduled to meet the second and fourth Sundays of each month from noon to 2 p.m., making room for potential road trips, diocesan activities, service projects, and more. Use the Kairos registration form to sign up.

Learn more about Kairos and Faith Formation Sunday, Sept. 16

When it comes to faith, what do your children wonder about? What would you, personally, like to learn more about? Parish leaders from Kairos, Biblical Studies, Education for Ministry, Parish Forum and more will be on hand as part of "I Wonder Sunday", from 9:15 to 10:15 a.m. on September 16.This engaging hour will offer parishioners of all ages a unique way to explore the various faith formation opportunities available to them on Sunday mornings and beyond.

Have Questions? Want to volunteer?

Please contact me if you have thoughts or questions about St. Martin's ministry to children, youth, and families at bballenger@stmartinec.org, or call 215.247.7466. If you'd like to volunteer to support our programs, let me know and we'll talk. And you can sign up here.

I'm excited to be heading up our ministry to children, youth, and families, and look forward to working with you this program year!

Peace,

Barb Ballenger

Associate for Spiritual Formation and Care

Of Parenting and Faith

It all became clear to me recently that my spiritual journey has made a pit stop.

It has been getting harder in the last year or so to feel connected to my faith. I've continued going to church, participating in choir and church activities, keeping up on and off with devotionals, but something has felt off.

It all came to a head recently as my church is embarking upon a visitation tour to go and speak to people about their spiritual selves and what if anything they need from the church at this time to help them discern God's call in their lives.  We're hoping just to meet people and get them even thinking more specifically about God's call.  As a leader in my church, I'm part of the team planning to make these visits.  We held a training session which involved the role play of visitor/visitee. I volunteered to be the visitee.

I don't recall the exact question that my fellow members asked me, but I do recall what came out as my answer. "I feel like my own spiritual journey is entirely tied up right now in making sure that my son's will be provided for - or that I'm doing the right things to get him on that path."

It brought tears to my eyes to say this. Because it is 100% true and because it was the first time I had put words to my spiritual block and said it aloud for myself to hear. And because I suddenly felt that the whole thing was backwards.

For a little context, this was unexpected for me. I didn't do the typical "fall away from the church until you have kids" thing that we see so often these days. And I don't think that's a bad or unhealthy thing to do - it just wasn't my journey. I was very involved in my church growing up. Attending worship, singing with the choir, youth group, church school teacher for the preschoolers when I was in high school, I even attended church summer camp.  After high school graduation I did a slight "fall away" by not seeking out a regular Sunday service during college. However, I went to church when I came home on holidays. I took 2 or 3 religion classes that kept me connected; I talked with my boyfriend (now husband) about all the interesting things he was learning at his own Disciple Bible Study, and I longed to go on the mission trips he got involved with at his home church. When I graduated, he and I moved in together in South Philly and one of the first things we did was go and find a church. Suddenly, I was fully involved again and have been since.

So, to now find my own faith journey stalled by what I need for my children - I just didn't expect it. I knew it was important to me, but I didn't realize how disconnected from my own path it had made me. And as soon as I spoke those words in the meeting it occurred to me that I was maybe looking at it the wrong way. I wanted to give my son (and my 2nd on the way) something that I did not have myself. I expected the church to create for my child what I didn't feel capable of providing on my own. It dawned on me that, like so many other things in parenting, perhaps my best route to teaching something to my son was to model it myself and have my life be the lesson.

It seemed so simple to identify in that moment, but I admit I am still unsure how to move forward. I still feel stalled. There are still so many challenges to parenting, especially right now when my first is so young and impressionable and with another on the way. I want them to know God's love, and feel it clearly in our church home. I want them to be welcome in worship while they figure out appropriate behavior there and not only once they have figured it out.  I want them to know the words to the Lord's Prayer the way preschool has taught my son the words to the Pledge of Allegiance - that learning the words and repeating them may let their meaning seep into their bones the way they have mine. I want to not be the only one trying to teach them these things. I want to surround him with a community that takes its baptismal vows seriously to help raise up and teach every member in God's way. And, I don't want to force it in a way that will only cause push back.

Mostly though, I want help with my own journey so that I can be strong for my children and others. I want advice on how to integrate more of Sunday into everyday in a way that is meaningful enough for me that something is obvious to my children.  People to share my struggles, questions, hopes, excitement, and thirst for justice with. I want for the faith to trust that it will all be all right. I need it for me so that I can live it for them, that by my living, they too will be drawn to life in faith.

Have you ever felt this way? What ways have you found to fill this need? Or, are you too still searching yourself?

- Natalee Hill

Hospitality Lessons from a Preschooler

It was a typical evening coming home with my son. It was a day that we were headed home just the two of us, my husband working a late shift. As we approached home, the initial request came, "I want to go see Alex." Alex is the high school freshman girl who lives across the street from us and with whom my son is enamored. "Okay," I say, "let's go home, put our things down, and we can go say hi for a few minutes while dinner cooks in the oven." He agreed, and he very cooperatively waited while I got out the fish sticks, sweet potato fries tossed them on a cookie sheet and into the oven. I set a timer on my phone for a couple minutes shy of the oven, and off we went across the street.

We spent a lovely 12 minutes in our neighbors' home, he on the sofa chatting and watching some TV with Alex, me by the door chatting with her mom. When my timer went off and I declared it time to go home for dinner, he was ready. But we exchanged that "we should do dinner sometime" thing that you do. You know that - you mean it, sort of. But when I got home, suddenly I was called to account.

"I want Alex to come over for dinner."

"Yes, sweetheart, I said we'd do that sometime soon."

"NO. I want Alex and her family to come over to dinner right NOW!"

I began thinking how unreasonable his request is. The house is a mess; I haven't vacuumed up all the cat hair. Do they have allergies? I only made enough fish sticks and fries for two, maybe with preschool sized leftovers. Nate isn't home. I don't know what their dinner plans are. I don't know what they eat. 

I offer a perfectly reasonable alternative. "How about Friday?" Yes, Friday is perfect. Several days to get ourselves together. Nate will be home. No choir rehearsal or other things on the evening agenda.  Perfectly reasonable.

"But I want them to come over for dinner TONIGHT."

Now, I know there was some typical preschool impulsiveness at play here. But I was suddenly struck by the insistence for radical hospitality that he demonstrated. I heard Gospel in my son's frustrated words.

I actually stopped in my tracks and considered for a moment: Isn't that what we're called to - relationship, in the here and now, immediate? Isn't that part of what Jesus was trying to tell Martha when she complained about her sister Mary not helping to get ready for the guests? Come. Sit. Be with people. Yes, it is important to have food. Yes, it would be great if the floor was cleaner. But don't let it get in the way of the relationship that is so much more important. Why also should I worry about the food? Did not the loaves and fishes multiply to feed everyone the two times in the Gospel that the crowd needed feeding? When we are together in Christ, there is enough to go around and all are fed. Fed not only by the food, but by the gathering and the sharing of the meal.

Jesus showed us how to invite anyone, everyone to our table; tax collectors, fishermen, the poor, the rich, the sick, the healthy, sinners, and saints. Jesus showed us how to sit with them; to be with them. It is amazing how presence alone is healing. And, indeed, Jesus invites all into his presence and to the table each Sunday morning.

So, why should a little cat hair in the carpet and a handful of fish sticks stop me from inviting over people I already know a bit? What's stopping me from showing a tiny fraction of the radical hospitality that I've been taught?

Flowers from our neighbors.

I failed that night. I failed as an example of Christ to my son, and I failed my call. I heard it, but I ignored it and did the "reasonable" thing. I invited them over for dinner on Friday. My son was thrilled - he told everyone he saw on Friday about our dinner plans. Our neighbors came, and we had a lovely time. Just the other day, Alex's mom came over to deliver flowers in thanks for dinner. I'm glad we had them over. I'm glad we were all there. It was a blessing and I hope I made up for not following when first called.

I'm blessed that I'm forgiven, and that I have a chance to try again anew.

So, what's your hospitality challenge? Do you have a story of failure or success of your own? What tiny fraction of a difference could you add to your faith journey? Add your thoughts below!

- Natalee Hill

(cross-posted to NataleeOnShuffle.blogspot.com)