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| Crucifixion by Eduardo Rodriguez Calzado |
When I met with my first Spiritual Director for the first
time I talked a lot. I jabbered,
babbled, confabulated, sermonized and generally rambled. Talking is easy for me and weaving a cocoon
of words is second nature. In my heart I
know that my words are an attempt at intimacy, in effect they are a smoke
screen, a defensive bunker and an assertion of false, egotistic self.
My Spiritual Director, a monk from Holy Cross Monastery,
patiently endured until he had a chance to speak. “Get your self out of the
way,” is all he said before leaving me.
The identity we create over time helps us function in the
world. Our self is both an ‘adaptation’
we undertake to manage the demands of life and an ‘accident’ of factors and
experiences beyond our control. Our identity
may help us swim in the waters of a turbulent world or it may drag us to the
bottom, it may help us sing the song God is leading or leave us lonely on an
island longing for contact with the Divine.
For me, one primary obstacle blocking intimacy with God is
my chronic self-loathing. On some
fundamental level I hate the person God made me to be. I hate that I am vulnerable. I hate that I am emotional and sensitive. I
hate that I am not manly enough. I hate
that faith and doubt are constantly at war inside me. I hate that I am inescapably attracted to God
and I am embarrassed to be a religious person.
Perhaps I share too much. However, the approach to God runs through the bright light of
honesty. And this is where self-loathing
becomes an obstacle. In God’s presence,
we can only be honest; we can only be the person we were created to be. Going into God’s presence means making a
journey beneath the mask of our adaptive and functional self and into whatever
we are so diligently trying to hide.
Tears, frustration, anger, and avoidance often mark the
threshold of this vulnerable place. We
are going to a place that we have spent a lot of energy to suppress and
ignore. Life experience has often taught
us to protect this true self from harsh judgment and rejection by burying it
deep.
