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| The Rev. Jarrett Kerbel |
Swimming in the deep end was a rite of passage in my childhood. When could I swim well enough to slip under the floating line into the deep water where the big kids swam? On that special day when permission was given - when I graduated from the “guppy” swim class to be a “fish” - courage was summoned. Tiptoes pushed off into the mystery of swimming where I could sink twelve feet down. Confidence came from risking it. Comfort slowly followed as anxiety faded in the joy of play.
Moving into the deep end, getting in over my head, happens again and again in life. As a leader, I am not sure I am allowed to admit when I am over my head. But as a faith leader, over my head is just a fact of life. With God we are always in over our head. God is always drawing us into the deeper water of God’s mysterious inner life, so life in faith (i.e. trusting and living in Christ) will always return us to the status of beginner, learner, guppy.
One way I know that St. Martin’s is heading in the right direction is that I feel my competence challenged. I feel like I am in over my head. That is a good indication that we are in the realm of faith. Our Becoming Beloved Community work reminds me all the time that I am a beginner even though I have done anti-racism training for 20+ years. Dismantling the imprint our racist culture has put in my soul and psyche is a startlingly deep task.
In fact, I would like to suggest that the illusion of competence and confidence I carry as my “birthright” as a white male are products of unearned and unreflective privilege. So healing from racism for me will entail acknowledging this, and then risking incompetence and disorientation. Faith draws me into this in the hope that God’s will is to heal me and draw me into a more whole version of myself, stripped of the marks of sin.
Leadership means inviting you to go with me on this uncomfortable and disorientating journey of faith. You won’t be able to look to me for answers because I am in this struggle with you. We can, however, look to each other for goodwill, support, prayer, and compassion as we do some hard learning together.
Blessings,
The Rev. Jarrett Kerbel
Rector
Editor's Note:
On Sunday, March 3 at our 9:15 a.m. parish forum is an opportunity for us all to discuss this journey together during "Talking Beloved Community" with our Becoming Beloved Community team. Read more here.
