Stop Hiding, Open Up those Boxes

Image: A pale wood box with a gold clasp sits slightly open, with the opening of the box turned 20-30 degrees to the left.
Text in graphic: This Week in the Rector's Note "We are all wounded. Self-awareness, honesty, and trusting community help us turn our wounds into gifts of wisdom, sensitivity, and compassion. ...Again and again in pastoral caregiving at St. Martin’s I encounter wonderful people who are adding suffering to their suffering because they think they are the only one struggling in the community." - Stop Hiding, Open Up those Boxes. 9.26.2019. Church of St. Martin-in-the-Fields, Episcopal.

A journalist asked Brad Pitt the following question during an interview about his upcoming movie, “Was Ad Astra a way to work through some of the loneliness you may have been experiencing?” His answer was vulnerable and revealing, “The fact is, we all carry pain, grief, and loss,” he said. “We spend most of our time hiding it, but it’s there, it’s in you. So you open up those boxes.”

The article then gives the back story which I quote at length:

It was reported that the final straw in Pitt’s 11-year relationship with (Angelina) Jolie came in September 2016, when they fought about his drinking while aboard a private plane. Now, Pitt is committed to his sobriety. “I had taken things as far as I could take it, so I removed my drinking privileges,” he told me. After she filed for divorce, Pitt spent a year and a half in Alcoholics Anonymous. 

His recovery group was composed entirely of men, and Pitt was moved by their vulnerability. “You had all these men sitting around being open and honest in a way I have never heard,” Pitt said. “It was this safe space where there was little judgment, and therefore little judgment of yourself.” 

Astonishingly, no one from the group sold Pitt’s stories to the tabloids. The men trusted one another, and in that trust, he found catharsis. “It was actually really freeing just to expose the ugly sides of yourself,” he said. “There’s great value in that.”

I am grateful for the brave honesty Brad Pitt displays in this interview. My hope is that his example helped hundreds, maybe thousands of people, come out of hiding and into spaces transparency, trust, healing, and growth.

“We all carry pain, grief, and loss.” We are all wounded. Self-awareness, honesty, and trusting community help us turn our wounds into gifts of wisdom, sensitivity, and compassion. Hiding, avoiding, and denying cause wounds to fester into self-destructive behaviors and acting out which passes the harm to others. God’s grace transforms our despair over our wounds into hope for progress and growth into a “new creation.”

Again and again in pastoral caregiving at St. Martin’s I encounter wonderful people who are adding suffering to their suffering because they think they are the only one struggling in the community. They tell me that they feel that “everyone else” must “have it all together;” “have it all figured out,” or “have it easy.” When we only present ourselves as happy, high achieving, successful, and winning - that is, when we only share one side of our life - without knowing it we may be increasing the isolation of someone who is struggling. One of the most helpful things we can say to someone is, “You are not alone.”

I want St. Martin’s to be a community of love, acceptance, and grace where people feel free to come out of hiding and find the healing we all crave. Our church is called to be this way because Jesus was this way, and he continues to give us what we need to brave the journey into honesty and vulnerability.

In God’s presence there is no hiding, no deception, no masks, and no facade. As the Prayer Book says so beautifully, God is the one, “unto whom all hearts are open, all desires known, and from whom no secrets are hid.” We are transparent before God’s pervasive light and all encompassing love.

Blessings,
The Rev. Jarrett Kerbel
Rector

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If you'd like to know more about addiction and recovery, please join us at Parish Forum on Sunday, October 6 where Steele Stevens will lead a discussion on Understanding Addictions. Learn more on our Parish Forum page.

1619-1919: Finding Ourselves in the History of Racism

Editor's Note: This week's post is written by the Rev. Barbara Ballenger. She has helped to lead St. Martin's Becoming Beloved Community work since 2014.

St. Martin’s efforts at Becoming Beloved Community follow the lead of the Episcopal Church in its church-wide call for racial reconciliation and healing. It is part of the church’s deep reflection on its own complicity in the long legacy of racial oppression. This call is rooted in the scriptures and the Baptismal Covenant, which invite us to a new level of respect for the dignity of every human being that fundamentally challenges and displaces racism.

In August, The New York Times reminded us of a sobering anniversary, the 400th year that the first enslaved Africans were brought to Virginia, anticipating four centuries of race-based oppression in the United States. For Episcopalians, whose Anglican forebears built, blessed, and benefited from the architecture of slavery and its aftermath, this legacy clings to us in ways typical of deep structural sin: fostering social blindness and deafness to the experience of people of color; quieting the Gospel of Jesus and amplifying the agendas of scientific and economic advancement; and centering whiteness in everything from our religious imagery to our church structure. That is why the Episcopal Church has been leading us in a wide-scale effort of racial repentance, reconciliation, and healing. Our Presiding Bishop, the Rt. Rev. Michael Curry, explains this ongoing work well in this brief video.

St. Martin’s has been at the effort for a while, most recently laying out a framework to be even more intentional about how we learn, embody, and advocate racial justice and healing. This 400th anniversary does put the work in a long and painful perspective, however, and it invites us anew to take a hard look at how we engage with our own individual and collective history around racism, and how we participate in healing the racial wounds in the Body of Christ.

This program year, St. Martin’s will offer several opportunities to engage in the ongoing work of Becoming Beloved Community. I encourage you to make time to participate, bringing your insights and stories to the effort.

Here is a look at what lies ahead:

• Sunday, Sept. 29 Parish Forum (9:15 a.m.) – Finding Ourselves in the 400 Years: What the Spirit is Saying to the Church about its Legacy of Racism. Featuring a short film by Katrina Brown and a discussion of local racial history by diocesan historian, David Contosta.
• Wednesdays, Oct. 9-Nov. 6 (7 p.m. to 9 p.m.) Beginning Beloved Community Workshop. This five-week series, developed in 2015 and 2016 by St. Martin's parishioners and staff, provides an introduction to the individual and collective work of racial understanding and healing central to our Becoming Beloved Community efforts. Recommended for all parishioners and ministry leaders. Learn more and register here.
• Wednesdays, Jan. 8 -29, (7:30 p.m. to 9 p.m.) Wellspring-led discussion of the book, Waking Up White, by Debby Irving. The author writes: "My hope is that by sharing my sometimes cringe-worthy struggle to understand racism and racial tensions, I offer a fresh perspective on bias, stereotypes, manners, and tolerance."

In addition to these educational offerings, committees of parishioners and staff will continue to follow the recommendations of our Becoming Beloved Community Strategic Plan, by working on the following this year:

• Developing a process for recruiting, hiring, and retaining people of color onto our program staff.
• Creating a training process for parish ministry leaders to build leadership skills grounded in racial justice and healing. This will be developed this year, and formally launched during the 2020-21 program year.
• Strengthening our public witness against racial injustices in our community, led by our Community Engagement Committee.
• Engaging all our parish committees and outreaches in the work of Becoming Beloved Community.

The Becoming Beloved Community effort at St. Martin’s is overseen by the Vestry, the clergy, and the Becoming Beloved Community Team, a committee of parishioners whose mission is to support the implementation of the BBC Strategic Plan. It is led by Justina Barrett, The Rev. Carol Duncan and The Rev. Barbara Ballenger.

To learn more about the parish’s Becoming Beloved Community efforts and find resources for engagement, visit the racial justice page under Community Engagement at StMartinEC.org.

Blessings,
The Rev. Barbara Ballenger
Associate for Spiritual Formation & Care

Timber, Awe, and Wonder

"...the awe and wonder come from a deep intuition of the sacred gift of the tree."
Photo taken in the woods. There is bright green ground cover. One tall, thick,
moss-covered tree stands in the foreground, lit from the back and right side
by the sun rising through the trees at a distance to the right. The photo is
awash in the greens and pale yellows of spring or early summer.

On vacation I care for a small forest in the Maine woods. My idea of a perfect vacation day is forestry in the morning and books in a hammock in the afternoon. My favorite tool is my Stihl MS 271 chainsaw, 50cc’s of throbbing, purring power for felling and processing trees destined for our wood stove.  

Holding a chainsaw calms me. The growl of the engine muffled through ear protection, the vibrations running up through my hands and arms, the smell of fresh, tart sawdust kicking off the chain onto my jeans - focus my scattered mind and engulf me into the moment.  

When an 80 foot tree that is two-and-a-half feet thick is almost fully severed and just on the edge of toppling, time freezes and my ears perk up for the cracking of wood that presages the fall. Will it go the direction I intend or will it totter toward me? The thrill is electric and the shout of, “Timber!” is part relief and part triumph when its massive bulk plummets away from me.  

The tree thunders to the ground and strikes the earth like a massive drumstick on a bass drum. “Wump” is part noise and part feeling in my feet. My response is awe and wonder. I am not impressed by the act of felling the tree. No, the awe and wonder come from a deep intuition of the sacred gift of the tree.

For one hundred years or more that tree was growing and processing sunlight, rain, and soil into a massive stalk of wood fiber and generation after generations of leaves and seeds. From a sapling it developed into a tower of grace and beauty that sheltered the birds and squirrels and insects. The storms it witnessed. The winter weight of snow it bore. The stories if could tell.  

Sacred. The sacred gift calls out a prayer. The sacred gift calls out awe and wonder and in turn the prayer and these feelings change forever how we walk on the earth. Because we know she is sacred.

Blessings,

The Rev. Jarrett Kerbel

Rector

Guatemala Reflection: Part 2 - We are a Family

By Barbara Thomson

This is part two of Barbara’s reflection on the youth pilgrimage to Guatemala this July, on which she was one of the three adult leaders. If you missed it, you can read part one, "Witness", here.

My family grew as I attended this year’s visit to Guatemala. Being a St. Martin’s member has already grown my family to include the other adults and St. Martin’s youth. This year it grew to include the Guatemalan families that our group of 11 (plus 3 - our driver, guide, and interpreter) met as we plowed through the Highlands from churches to homes and missions in our packed red van.  

Our wonderful translator, Melvin. Photo by the Rev. Jarrett Kerbel

It takes a leap of faith to be an adult leader on these youth trips – especially one who gets on board at the last minute! I have chaperoned twice to South Dakota, but I was asked just a few weeks before this trip to join and didn’t fully realize all of what I’d be getting in to! We know before we leave where we’re going and what we’ll be doing, and we trust that we will get along while we’re there. As soon as we go through security, the magic of being in a family – my new family –  kicked in. We were not the traditional household of parents and children, but rather a group of people with certain roles who watch out for, take care of, and love each other during our time together and thereafter. 

Photo of the youth at the chocolate factory. From Clare's camera.

Our group started every day with breakfast, piled into the van, took on a new experience, sat down for lunch, took on another experience, sat down for dinner, and ended with compline. We quickly knew who positioned for the window seat, who carried the soccer balls, and who loved fancy coffee and pink drinks. At the end of the day, we all asked God to “Keep watch with those who work or watch, or weep this night, and give your angels charge over those who sleep…”

Compline by flashlight. Photo by the Rev. Jarrett Kerbel.

Ground transportation in San Lucas. Photo by the Rev. Jarrett Kerbel.

Kate balancing a tub. Photo by Gavin.

While our youth group became a family as we walked through security at the airport, we met our extended St. Martin’s family as we walked into their churches and homes, and then played soccer. (We found that our St. Martin’s kids were better prepared for their cold showers after a hot and sweaty soccer workout.) With each new family we met, each new story we heard, these people became family to us. We were welcomed into homes and churches where they fed us, taught us, and shared time and company. 

Guatemalan church family. Photo by Gavin.

Youth with a Guatemalan family. Photo by Clare.

Hospitality. Photo by Clare.

Playing fútbol. Photo by Clare.

At the end of the day, we would talk about and try to understand what we saw, felt, and learned that day. Every day someone talked about how he or she was touched by the children’s love for learning, communicating despite language gaps, how welcome they felt at the homes and churches we visited, the care from our guide, driver, and interpreter, and the gap in wealth. We also spent time thanking our St. Martin’s kids for showing so much appreciation and respect to the families they met. We were proud of them and appreciate their individual contributions.

Home visit near Chichicastenango in Sepela. Photo by the Rev. Jarrett Kerbel.

Dinner with the Bishop of Guatemala. Photo by the Rev. Jarrett Kerbel.

Within our own group, we took care of each other. There were moments of concern as some were overwhelmed with emotion and some had digestive issues. When asked to help get the sick ones packed up so we could get the group to Antigua, they helped out without flinching and the sick ones were given preferential treatment for the 2 hour ride. When we arrived back in Miami, the first ones at baggage claim collected all the bags and had them waiting for the rest of us as we made our way through Customs. 

Kate holding a baby. Photo by Clare.

The St. Martin’s folks and the Guatemalan folks became a group of people with certain roles who watched out for, took care of, and loved each other during our time together. I’ve also found that the love doesn’t end. We may not see each other regularly but our care for one another lives on so that when we see someone, like Leslie who we recognize from a story from years past, we make sure she gets her new glasses. We are connected. We are a family.

We're on a boat! Photo by Gavin.

The family returns home. Photo by the Rev. Jarrett Kerbel.

Guatemala Reflection: Part 1 - Witness

By Barbara Thomson

This is part one of Barbara’s reflection on the youth pilgrimage to Guatemala this July, on which she was one of the three adult leaders.

Rooftops, Mountain, Sky in Guatemala. Photo by Gavin.

Honestly, I was not totally prepared for what we experienced in Guatemala. 

As we traveled to different places, such as Xela to Pachoj or ChiChi or San Lucas Toliman, we shared what we were going to see, who we were going to meet, and what we were going to do. Just as you prepare yourself and/or your children for new experiences, the adults tried to prepare the youths for the people and environment they were going to encounter. It was often head-spinning to hear:

They will be living in a place that looks like a shack to us. The whole family lives in one room. There is no indoor running water. There is no bathroom. There are no windows. They use wood to cook in their stoves and heat their homes.

Kids typically leave school around 6th grade so they can work and earn money for the family. One family recently got a solar panel and has electricity that allows them to work later into the night to embroider their piece-work garments. There’s no school bus. The families can’t afford school supplies such as notebooks and uniforms without our help. The families depend on us at St. Martin’s to send their kids to school.

For those over 18, you will meet women in the prison and see many children. Their children live there with them until they are 4 years old. The women cook for themselves in the prison kitchen. Their families and Father Roberto bring them food. They wash their clothes by hand.  

The Mission started out with Father Greg who saw malnourished children over 50 years ago and it has grown to a thriving school, coffee coop, women’s center, and hospital. 

Father Stan Rother was an American martyr who was killed at his church during the 30-year Civil War.

I especially related to the education and medical issues. As a mother and wife, these are my primary concerns for my family. I could feel how hard and what a hardship it was for children to go to school. Many of the families can’t help their children with their schoolwork because the families don’t speak, read or write in Spanish. They speak K’iche’, their native Mayan language that is mostly spoken. The parents may not be able to read or write because they didn’t go to school. Education is not an expectation for everybody. It is only for those who can afford it. 

This is true for healthcare, too. There is no government assisted healthcare. Emergency rooms exist for those who can pay for them. And when someone has no money, it means no ibuprofen, no antibiotics, no allergy or asthma medicine, no well visits, no eyeglasses, no high blood pressure medicine, no chemotherapy, no x-rays, no anesthesia for delivering babies, and no dialysis. Simple afflictions that we take care of with doctor visits or trips to our medicine cabinets in our bathrooms, could potentially be life threatening.  If you need special surgery, you wait until a group of surgeons comes to the mission hospital and hope you get operated on during the week they’re in town that year. Birth control is not discussed although many girls have babies in their teens and it is not uncommon for someone to have 10 children. 

We arrived at their churches, missions, and homes and we were welcomed with open hearts, food to eat, and gifts. They all made us a special meal. The women taught us to make tortillas. We heard about the difference St. Martin’s has made in their lives. We heard from the young adults who were children a few years ago talking about getting jobs in schools and teaching the next generation or becoming bookkeepers and earning more money for their families. One scholarship student is now at the University and wants to be the President of Guatemala. We met the young boys who are being raised by their grandparents because their parents abandoned them to work in Guatemala City but were not heard from again. We heard from a family living with HIV and luckily receiving medicine because of St. Martin’s support. 

Making Tortillas. Photo by Clare.

We met the women who run the chocolate coop. We were told that we were visiting a chocolate factory. Upon arrival we learned that the chocolate factory consisted of a room with a wood burning stove and a small table. The women make the chocolate at home and sell it door to door or in the market. They divide up the money at their meetings and each person receives her share of the money in a Ziploc bag with her name on it. In these better homes, they have stoves with flues, which helps to minimize the smoke from the wood they burn. Otherwise, they cook over open fires.

As we traveled over mountains, around hairpin turns, over Lake Atitlan and between cities, and walked through the cornfields to their homes, we learned about our long-standing relationships with the people we couldn’t necessarily identify before our trip. We met Leslie and her family. Leslie was the recipient of an eye exam and eyeglasses in 2014 because some St. Martin’s youths discovered her condition kept her from going to school. She was wearing her glasses when we met her we recognized it is time for a check-up. Unfortunately, Leslie still does not attend school because she was so far behind when she got her glasses, but we are providing for new glasses and some books to help her learn to read. Leslie speaks some Spanish but is most comfortable speaking K’iche’. We are also sending various inexpensive over the counter reading glasses to the women who work late into the night on their piecework.

Over and over we heard the families explain the huge impact St. Martin’s has made on their lives. The children love to go to school and the parents appreciate it. The older ones are now working in professions thanks to their scholarships. And after we all talked, the American and Guatemalan kids would play soccer together. They’d divide into teams, run after the ball, make some goals, laugh and cheer, cry foul sometimes, and keep going until they got the nod from the adults that it is time to go to our next thing.  

My family grew as I attended this year’s visit to Guatemala. Being a St. Martin’s member has already grown my family to include the other adults and St. Martin’s youth. This year it grew to include the Guatemalan families that our group met as we plowed through the Highlands from churches to homes and missions in our packed red van. 

Watch next week for part two of Barbara’s reflection on Guatemala, "We are a Family".

Butterfly House

"I am so grateful that God reaches us through God’s creatures."
Image: A yellow morph (female) Eastern Tiger Swallowtail butterfly perches, 
wings spread open flat, on one in a bunch of purple cone flowers.

I approached the butterfly house with low expectations. From the outside, I could not see much through the black mesh of the quonset hut at my local Watershed Headquarters. Upon entering, however, a cloud of bright, colorful butterflies fluttered all around me in an enchanting swirl of gentle wings.

My heart melted. A sense of joy and gratitude swelled. Happy tears filled my eyes and my whole face smiled.

Beauty. Goodness. Diversity. Adaptive Creativity. Delight. Gentleness. Freedom. God was powerfully present in God’s creatures. God’s gift of God’s whole self - i.e. God’s grace - resets our hearts, re-tunes our mind and restores us to our most soulful state - alive, serene, emotionally available, heartfelt, grateful, receptive, appreciating.

I am so grateful that God reaches us through God’s creatures. I am so grateful that God has flooded creation with goodness and excellence that resemble and point to the ultimate goodness of God.

When we are under stress or brought low by the assaults of bad news, it is helpful to remember that the good is there and that it surpasses the bad in every way. As people of faith in the risen Christ, we know that evil is passing away - a defeated remnant. As people of faith in our good Creator God, we know that evil has no positive existence in itself; it is only ever the negation of the good. All that really exists is what God called good and very good from the beginning.

It is no accident that butterflies are a common symbol of risen life in Christ.

Blessings,
The Rev. Jarrett Kerbel
Rector


What creatures make you think of God's creativity, love, and beauty? Let us know in the comments.

Also, please save the date for our St. Francis Day Blessing of the Animals on Sunday, October 6, 2019 at 2:00 p.m. You can find us both in Pastorius Park and right here at St. Martin's at that time.